This to shall pass with a new day.

Sometimes I don't have the words to say what I feel or the say what the anxiety of a check up feels like.
Last week I got wind of a friend with lymphoma entering hospice. That threw me in to high anxiety. I have to say. I was really ticked off about it and so was Hubby. It just is mind boggling the fear that hits you, when you know that could be you.
So I was sucking it up and in as we drove in the valet parking. As my feet hit the floor of the interior halls of the hospital. I hate that. Its this intense feeling of anxiety that every cancer patient feels on a different level.
I hit K-13 the oncology floor. It hits me every time in a different way. Friday it was an intense feeling my blood pressure was soaring that it was. Through the stress I had forgotten my Blood Pressure Meds.. And of course that added to how crappy I was feeling. But still its like I can't breath at times or just seeing things so horrific..Its just a really tough deal when you know one day it can be you.

I went in and got blood work done and across from me was a man just starting treatment for NHL. I remember what it was like and how tough it was to sit wondering what a first chemo was going to be like. Wondering if you would live or die. As well as what that meant to his wife and girls standing close by. That just hit me and brought back so many things we have been through as well.

By the time I was but in the room to see the PA and My Oncologist . I was wasted. I was so glad my Doc was behind in so I could regroup a few minutes. And just sit and breathe a bit.

I love Carmen the PA. She is warm and upbeat. She has these dancing eyes that remind me of life. I don't know why her and I both connect in a way that is a comfort. Oh and of course she did my physical and it was good. She couldn't find much to complain about. Which set me at ease right away. We had a long discussion about the dental issues and constant problems of infections. It was all good then she went and talked to my Doc and he is to cute for words.He has this knack of knocking me back and making me feel I am this woman of good health. I had to chuckle all this and I a good laugh to. He to agreed it was a good physical.

However till he gets my blood work back for the Nhl and Factor V Leiden things are on hold. When he gets those back then we make the choice based on that whether I need a Cat Scan or not . Or whether we can wait till Dec to do so. Also a few other tests were done blood wise to make sure this anemia and other factors don't play into the NHL.

So the trip back in the realm of the sick was tough. Its a reminder of the importance of vigilance. Its tough its seems there are two countries sick and well. Sometimes I sit here and wonder about the white picket fence that sits in the middle. It seems its where I am stuck. Cancer is a beast that even when stable you know its out there. You always wonder about the what ifs. But isn't that life,its terminal no one gets out alive.

So for today I am going to paint,or take pictures and just bask in the wellness I have been so richly given for today. Enjoy the family around me and love the life I have been given.