Sometimes there are no words

I have really wanted to write about this for about a week but life has been so dam hectic.
Sometimes you can't stuff losses due to cancer down any more they just happen. Grief of lossing friends due to the same cancer as you have. That's something so hard to explain and put on paper.

Like me Judy was a mom.She had her own kids a large family she raised on her own after her husband died of lung cancer. She married again to her husband Jim. They shared 22 grandchildren together. They also shared this thing called cancer.

I met Judy on line in Dec. of 2004 shortly after she found out she to had NHL. A different kind but still similar to mine. In 2OO5 we talked daily sometimes several times online in a support forum. Then in yahoo and in emails. We also had the privilege to meet in Summer of 2005.

I was also so thankful we had the chance to meet if for a short time it was my pleasure.

In 2006 she would find out that the lymphoma was back. She was crushed me to but that didn't mean she wouldn't fight it . It meant a fight together, it was then we became more like sister then friends. IT was a tough road she did chemo and radio immunology. Then aggressive chemo therapy all of which was in a clinical trial.
Then November 27 of 2007 Stem Cell Transplant.

WE talked so much online on the cell phones and us to older ladies even learned to text message. Just so we could talk when she had the need.

December she did okay. However her Lungs were week from the Clinical trail drugs given prior to SCT. She had other lung issues as well. But she fought like hell till the end. January 30th,2008 Judy passed away surrounded by family and friends.

Ironically all tests said she was on a fast rebound blood wise. And no cancer found.
About a week prior to her death she called me and said she was Cancer free by all her tests nothing showed pertaining to the lymphoma.

So as hard as it was..she won...she beat it.

Death of another friend who has the same disease as you do is grueling. I have to wonder why I am still here. All I can say is that...I have not fulfilled my time yet. Is it easy no way. Its hard as hell and there are days that are still a huge struggle. We have lots of them, but we buck up and try like hell to stay positive.
That's not easy on a bad day. Its not easy to know good people have to have this bad thing happen to them that there is no control over it at times. It just is.

The one thing I hope is that I am half the person she was. I know I am forever changed by having her in my life...Sometimes its so weird, I have to wonder what all this refining and molding is about. It changes all of us no way around it. Making sense of it at times it really blows my mind .

I only hope if it comes down to it coming back again on day. I can rise to the occasion and fight it again. At times it all just seems to hard to think of and handle.

Sometimes its all overshadowed by those I care about loosing the battle we fought together. Its really hard to stay outta the vortex that creates